Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dishwasher safe

Today I'd like to discuss a fundamental difference between men and women.

Every once in a while I'm a good enough husband to do the dishes. Sometimes I even do it without being coerced, or out of guilt for something stupid I did or said. More often than not, a pot and/or pan has been used in the preparation of the meal.

These pots and/or pans were a wedding gift. I remember opening them and seeing "DISHWASHER SAFE" prominently displayed on the side of the box.

This is not the fundamental difference. Both men and women agree that the outside of the box clearly says, "DISHWASHER SAFE".

The fundamental difference is that men believe the box is telling the truth.

Men understand that machine is servant to man. It is there to do our bidding: the entire point of its existence is to make our lives easier. (Or, in the case of electronics, entertain us.) It's a paradox of power and laziness which men thrive on.

This is why I try to put the pots in the dishwasher.

Somehow, "DISHWASHER SAFE" means something entirely different to women. It does not mean, "The contents of this box are safe to be washed in a dishwasher". I'm not sure what it means, but I know it doesn't mean that because when I go to put said contents into the dishwasher I'm told, "That doesn't go in the dishwasher."

My mind flashes back to the box the pot came in.

"It doesn't?"


"But it's dishwasher safe."

"You need to wash it by hand."

"But it's..."

"Don't worry about it. Set it on the counter and I'll do it later."

At this point I must carefully consider that last statement. Just as clearly as the side of the box said, "DISHWASHER SAFE", my wife has just told me that she'll wash the pot later. But, just as women read the same words on the box, the meaning is entirely different.

I am experienced enough to know the same, twisted principle applies here. And so I wash the dishwasher safe dish by hand, my male ego insulted as the dishwasher smirks up at me, "Sucker."