URGENT: Dream come true or hellish nightmare?

The assimilation has begun. Starting April 17, 2010 our frozen, furry adversaries to the north are selecting people at random and will make them Canadian citizens - even if they don't live in Canadia. Seriously. I'm not joking. I would never joke about something like this:



Does this scare the $#%! out of anyone else?

Sure, they dress it all up as if we're going to be happy about it, dancing around our bedrooms while hockey players and mounties make sure we drink ourselves into a maple syrup-induced stupor. Pure propaganda. Do you know who else used such propaganda to make people feel good about trying to take over the world while he trimmed his little, square mustache and greasy comb-over? Exactly.

Sadly, my conspiracy "theory" was right. I always thought the idea of hoarding guns and ammo in a fortified basement-turned-bunker was for nut jobs and wackos but you'd better believe I'm hitting West Valley tonight and not coming home until I have a trunkload of questionably-legal automatic firearms. With scopes.

How long until France does something similar?

Perhaps I'm overreacting. Maybe they won't try to take us by force (at first). In which case I actually hope they pick me and make a big deal about it and bring a bunch of news crews and cameras and reporters to my house because it would be one of the only times I'm my life where I would justify the blatant use of profanity and respond with, "#@$@#$$%^&*&$#@ no!"

What do you think? Am I overreacting or do you want me to save you room in our basement-bunker? Leave word in the comments and be quick about it - who knows how long it will be before they shut sites like this down. 

VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

Google it with Bing

Via CollegeHumor.

Carnivores FTW!

In case you can't read it, the sign on the right says:

Carnivores don't need some wimpy support group. Keep being AWESOME!

This gem is courtesy of the FAIL Blog.

Two weeks. Honestly?

Yeah, it's been a while. Whatever. I've been busy. What have I been busy with? Poop. That's what.

I forgot how much newborns poop. Want to venture a guess as to how often they poop?

Six times an hour. That's how often.

Want to venture a guess as to when they poop?

Usually around 3 am.*

Want to know when they fall asleep?

About 1 am.

Yeah. Anyhoo. Aside from being sleepy and all that I've been checking out the following cool things which I would highly recommend taking a look at:

• Google Wave - This could be a game-changer. This is the full demo. Watch the first 15 minutes then, if you want, jump here for the highlights.
  
• The new iPhone 3.0 software (unlocked and lovin' every minute of it!)
• Fake Steve Jobs is back with his iLiver 2.0. Brilliant.
• TweetDeck now (supposedly) syncs your followers and groups across multiple computers. Nice, but I still wish it was web-based.
  
• An awesome article in Wired about what the Big Three automakers need to do to survive (hint: On the Road to Recovery, Let the Little Guys Drive). A must-read.
  

So yeah. Check that stuff out and let me know what you think and I'll see if I can be a bit better about posting.

*My wife just pointed out that it's been a while since I was up at 3 am changing diapers. True. But I did do it, even if it was a while ago. The fact that I'm still exhausted by that singular event means you should feel sorry for me all the more.

Still a classic: Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford

To what, exactly, are you referring?

The Ultimate Father's Day gift is a chick in a sports bra? A tattoo? Or a canteen you carry around in a man-purse? I'm confused.

Related: KSL banner ad featuring a dead fly.

Our girl arrived

Hey world. I'm here. It's been a week now since our little girl was born (everyone is healthy an well - things went about as smoothly as one could hope).

Needless to say (although I'll say it anyway), life has been turned upside down as we try and figure out sleeping schedules, keep a two year-old happy and wonder if it's normal for a newborn to go through six diapers an hour.

Then there's the projectile poop.

Thank heavens for supportive friends and family.

It's still a bit weird to hear myself say, "The kids" when for the last couple of years it's been, "The kid." Our little girl has some very similar features to our little boy, but she's definitely going to have her own look to her which we're excited about. She has very long, beautiful fingers.

Is this rambling? Incoherent? I'm running on very little sleep here (see third paragraph).

We are doing well. We're keeping a low-profile as we get adjusted to our new family member. But life is good. I'm blessed with a happy, healthy family, a job that provides for us (which I enjoy), the gospel and a beautiful wife of whom I am completely unworthy.

Time to wake the two year-old.

 Let the fun begin.

P.S. We went with Sara.

Tinker.com completely misses the point

Advertising Age recently posted a a quick article and video introducing Glam Media's Tinker, a tool for managing what is being said about your brand on Twitter. (Sadly, Ad Age is a little behind the times and doesn't allow their videos to be embedded so you'll have to click the link - the video is only three minutes long).

The idea behind Tinker is that you can 1. follow events instead of people and 2. aggregate everything being said about your brand on Twitter and display it on your company's site 3. after it passes through some powerful filters.

First of all, I like the idea of following events instead of people. Cool. But isn't that as simple as using hashtags?

Second, I already know how to embed a Twitter stream onto my blog. Thanks though.

Third, Tinker is plugging its filters as a way to filter out profanity (good) and censor content (bad). Here's how Glam Media's Joe Lagani explained it at the ANA's Brand Innovation Conference last week (chopped up quite a bit in order to be concise):

"Tinker allows for brand-safe marketing tools... There are all kinds of filtering. You can filter out competitive brands... 

"You have to ask yourself now, 'If this were your brand and you were able to assemble this ongoing positive conversation about your brand... how could you get that in front of your consumer?' This is the reason we developed Tinker."

Yep. Sounds like it was developed by marketers.

And that's where Tinker drops the ball: The whole concept of filtering out criticisms about your brand and only showing people an edited version of what's being said is deceptive at best and clearly misses the point of social media. It's trying to control the conversation instead of participate in it.

Sadly, I can see a lot of companies jumping on this, thinking it's their savior from the evil masses that are their customers.

Thoughts? Dissenting opinions? Sound off in the comments.

Fake intimacy

Courtesy of here, via here.

The Quote Board

For whatever reason I couldn't link to the Quote Board so I decided to republish it here. There's quite a bit of new stuff so if you haven't checked it lately take a moment to peruse the hilarity.

"Ooo! Bring me back a cookie! They're cheaper if you buy more." - Amy

"Jesus was a fisherman. What do you think it smelled like when he taught?" - Doug

Amy asks me, in front of her parents and brother while we're playing cards, "What's that game we like to play? Dominatrix?"

Me impersonating Doug's response to the recall notice on Brad's car:
"Something about a fire under the hood, blah, blah, blah, final notice, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Doug: "Do you know what a rhetorical question is?"
Me: "Did you want me to answer that?"  

"I know I may not look it, but I have a dreidel." - Alysia's friend.

"Do you know how much money we could make if we were Italian and in the mob?" - Brad

"Why does it make our husbands uncomfortable when we flirt?" - RaeLynn

"Can we clone you and kill the others?" - Gary

"I can't relate. I'd never do anything that stupid." - Teri

"Careful Jake - you're still soft on top." - David

"If I were a dinosaur I'd eat that tree." - Heidi

"Next time I get a prostate exam I'm going to a taller doctor." - Doug

"Three in a row? Dang. Looks like someone else needs to start talking." - Amy

"I'd be really good at yoga if I didn't have any arms or legs." - Amy

"That was a brilliant use of profanity!" - Amy

"Thanks to you and your amazing sperm." - Amy

Heidi: I think my arms are getting fat.
Amy: You know, I think I'd be OK if I didn't have any girls.

"It's a good thing she's wearing pants." - Becky

"If I was really, really tall I'd find a really, really tall girl to breed with." - Brad

Amy - "Apparently I'm not as smart as I think I am."
Me - "That's OK. I couldn't figure out how to set up my Far Side calendar."

RaeLynn - "What if you go metro in the next couple of years?"
Scott - "I can't because I'm fat."

"If you want to be in my will, you'd better put me on your quote board you little punk." - My Father In-Law

"Dear, the ceiling fan is the best parent in the world." - David

"I don't get it. How can people not believe in global warming? It's so hot!" - Melinda

"Dear, we need a little person to make cookies." - Amy

"Can I just say that high heels can really be annoying?" - Ryan

"Seriously. I poke myself in the eye on a daily basis." - Melinda

"Nobody can make you laugh but yourself." - Heidi

"Hopefully that's why my check engine light has been on for so long." - Curtis

"No one likes a leper." - Amy

Matt: Do you know where, "Wax on, wax off" comes from?
Whittney: Seinfeld?

"You're never too old to go to space camp dude." - Dave, Stranger Than Fiction

"I raise mini-cattle under my bed." - Amy, sort of

"Sometimes I think I interact with the TV more than I'm supposed to." - Amy

"Wait. There aren't 71 states." - Hunter

"Did that bird miss a connecting flight South or what?" - Amy

"You can be wise and happy or stupid and miserable. The choice is yours." - President Hinckley, Dec. 31, 2006

"I can't imagine what it would be like to have your government overthrown...is there anything good on TV tonight?" - Amy

"If you were a super model, I wouldn't love you less, just in a different way than I do now." - Jeremy O., to me.

"I don't hang out with you anymore and look how cool I am!" - Rob

"David, you need to grow your monkeys." - Whittney

"I'm a genius too! Wait. I think I just spit a bran flake." - Amy

"Need I remind you it powered a time machine?" - Amy

"Dear, how come we never get to watch Desperate Housewives when the kids are around?" - Doug

"I'm so hot, I'll never have to pay for anything ever! Look at me spin! Look at me twirl! " - Ryan, referencing the Jazz cheerleaders

"Well, obviously my underwear is unraveling." - Doug

"I hate getting out of the car. It's like going to the bathroom." - Amy

Heidi: "Grandma, are you a racist?"
Grandma: "No. I'm a bigot."

"Tastes just like real french toast!" - David

"I'm writing 'eat me' on pork" - Amy

"Girls rule! We have homemaking skills AND physical endurance skills" - Heidi

"He may be shallow, but he dates hot chicks" - David about Brad

"Dang! No wonder people like having money." - Amy

"Dad, I don't think you've made the peacock noises since we left Colorado" - Amy

"Is she going to wear a hair net, or am I going to have to worry about that all night?" - Doug

"The conduit for all knowledge in the universe is located in our apartment. Specifically, the shower." - Rob

"Adam had it easy. Eve HAD to love him!" - Josh

"If the social life of the world would be best benefited by my hooking up with an ugly girl, then I'm sorry - it's not happening." - Ryan

"Woo-hoo! I have dents in my head!" - Neil

"Hello, is this whore removal?" - Dave

"My brain is numb. There's been cheese on it all night." - Ryan

"I used to be a body builder..." - Dave

"Hey! Don't make fun of the dumb kid." - Alysia

"I've been told my hair feels like rabbit fur." - Neil

"I hate not eating out. 'Cause, well, first of all it sucks..." - Ryan

Dave: "What's a lime-o?"
Rob: "That would be 'limo' Dave."

"Ya know, some people just look better from far away." - Definitely Ryan

"Women don't want a knight, they want the whole dang Round Table!" - Rob

Eden: "You know, in Russian, 'Rob' means 'slave'".
Ryan: "Well, in English 'Rob' means 'to steal'".

"Sometimes I almost feel guilty for BS-ing my homework. Then I think, 'Wait, no I don't.'" -Dave

"Is she the tall girl with the loud mouth?" - Ryan

"You're a very positive person, but I think you're an idiot." - Rob

"Nothing hurts more than seeing two beautiful girls going into a bridal store." - Dave

Dave: "I always buy biscuits, but never make them."
Rob: "Then don't get any."
Dave: "But I might this time."
Rob: "The triumph of hope over experience."

"You're not hopeless Dave, all you need is a good woman." - Rob

"If there were no girls, we'd never be tempted. It'd be like scout camp." - Josh

"Well, that's a bridge under troubled waters. Wait..." - Rob

"Hyrum's wife died, and HE got married like a week later." - Ryan

"I'm just the ultimate compliment." - Ryan

Dave: "With hair like this, it's amazing that I don't have a girlfriend."
Josh: "Maybe it's your personality."

I killed a bunny tonight

I was on the way back from Grandma's tonight when I hit a jack rabbit on I-80. I tried to swerve a bit to give it a chance but soon realized the little fella was doomed.

I say swerved a bit because I was going 75 mph.

Remember back when your parents or church leaders told you to decide right then and there how you were going to handle certain situations if they came up. For example, decide right now that you aren't going to ever drink alcohol and if you're feeling pressured to do so, how are you going to respond? It's good to have your mind already made up about things to which you're committed.

This situation was  a lot like that. A long time ago I decided that if it came down to me hitting an animal in the road, or me swerving to try and miss it at the risk of getting in an accident and injuring my family, the animal was going to get it.

He got it. Sorry bunny.

Perhaps if there had been a sign like the one above posted near the road this tragedy wouldn't have taken place. I say we blame the government.

Image courtesy of here.