So. Awesome.

More at the FAIL Blog.

Yet another brilliant news headline

Gee...ya think?

A sawed-off shotgun, a stray cat and an awesome fu manchu

If you heard a news story about a drunk guy who tried to shoot a stray cat in his yard with a sawed-off shotgun because the cat was chasing away the birds in his yard, what do you think this person would look like?

You're absolutely right. He'd look like this:

At first glance it seemed startling that a person with a patch over his eye was shooting a gun. (You know - the whole depth perception thing.) Then it occurred to me that you close one eye when aiming down the barrel of a gun so, in reality, it might actually be easier for this guy to aim a gun than the rest of us.

The lesson from all this? Don't judge people just because they have an eye patch.

That, and have a good weekend.

 The full story, and image can be found at KSL.

Carnivores FTW!

In case you can't read it, the sign on the right says:

Carnivores don't need some wimpy support group. Keep being AWESOME!

This gem is courtesy of the FAIL Blog.

The hippies are at it again. This time with "sea kittens".

How's that for timing? PETA is trying to "save the fish" by rebranding them from "slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads" (their words, not mine) to "sea kittens."

Again, I am not making this up.

It would appear people don't care about scaly, slimy fish and are all too eager to have someone hook, club, slice, gut, cook, and squeeze lemon over one for consumption. They needed to come up with a way to change people's perception of fish. I can see the brainstorm session now:

"So how do we create an emotional attachment to fish? They're ugly and eat worms."

There is a long pause with lots of "hmmmming" and pencils being tapped on empty pads of paper. (I know what this is like because I do it for a living.) Eventually someone tentatively says, "People like cats."

There's another pause while everyone thinks about this. "But cats eat fish too," someone in the corner calls out.

At this point, they should have killed the idea and moved on to something else. Sadly, this did not happen.

"True," a creative director offers, "But instead of cats eating fish, what if the cat was the fish! We change the entire way people view fish! Instead of viewing them as slimy underwater worm-eaters, we get people to see them as cats! Little, adorable kittens. Ah-HA!" His hands are stretched like he can see the headline floating in front of him. "Sea kittens!"

A flurry of note taking begins where everyone who works under this creative director tries to capture their understanding of his vision. Hasty sketches are drawn. Headline options are furiously scribbled. No one has the guts to say, "This is stupid."

So that's their first problem: they assume everyone likes cats. This is false. Not all people like cats. People like me. In fact, this campaign makes me want to eat more fish simply because they are now being associated with an animal I strongly dislike.

The site urges visitors to fill out a petition to to the US Fish and Wildlife Service to "save the sea kittens." I presume the people who work at the US Fish and Wildlife Service are well-educated people, particularly about animals and species and  the like, and are aware that there is no such thing as a sea kitten. This would make it very difficult for them to be saved since, you know, they don't exist. That's PETA's second problem.

However, PETA has been kind enough to provide the functionality to Create Your Own Sea Kitten. You know, to give you something visual to picture the next time you're looking at a piece of salmon on your dinner plate. This is mine:


I named him/her/it "Lunch". Why? Because of PETA's third problem: they neglected to put a "sound off" button on their site which drives me nuts. So I'm going to have a fillet o' fish today for lunch. From a fast food pace. In a food court. In a strip mall.

This time the hippies have gone too far

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk."

Apparently the story is a bit old, but according to PETA (known in some circles to stand for the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals), using human milk would, "Lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health."

So getting milk from cows on farms causes them suffering. I'm not a woman but I'm guessing if you asked one what she thought, the idea of rounding up a bunch of lactating women and milking them might be considered a form of suffering. I could be wrong on this.

PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman was quoted as saying, "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best.'" I cannot comment on that statement. At least not with a straight face. Although I think these people would agree with her.

I think Ben & Jerry, despite being hippies themselves, made the right choice in deciding not to switch to human breast milk for their ice cream. Do you agree? Disagree? I can see a huge, passionate debate happening in the comments so...get to it.

Read the full story here.

Suck it, Frenchies

"'The Americans? We’re going to smash them. That’s what we came here for.'" Yeah, that's what the French said with regard to the 400 meter relay. Why the hate, Frenchies? You seem very determined to hate us while we're trying as hard as we can to forget you exist.

As it turns out, Frenchies lost. Or surrendered. It's so hard to tell. Anyhoo, check out the dramatic comeback video by clicking here. Note that you'll need Silverlight installed on your browser (stupid Microsoft, right Paul?) but it's well worth the watch.

NKOTB are back!

I can hear the phone call now: "Jordan, stop! Don't cut your mullet - we're getting the band back together."

Why is this monumental news? Here's some background from their website:

... People...now see our place in pop history. We’ve read that we `begat the boy bands” like Backstreet Boys and N’Sync.... But hey, what about New Edition? There would be no New Kids without them. And of course, the Jackson Five begat New Edition. So I guess we were really just the first white boy band.

That's right. The first ever white boy band is getting back together after fifteen years. Fifteen long, empty, meaningless years.

Image courtesy of here.

Gmail introduces "Custom Time" - send e-mail to the past

Using Google's revolutionary "e-flux capacitor", you can "Just click 'Set custom time' from the Compose view. Any email you send to the past appears in the proper chronological order in your recipient's inbox. You can opt for it to show up read or unread by selecting the appropriate option."

Very handy indeed! Now on Saturday when I remember my dad's birthday was Friday, I can send him an e-mail and using Custom Time, have it show up in his Inbox like it arrived on his birthday! I can even "mark as read" so he thinks he looked at it and forgot!

For more information on this feature, click here.

Google, what will you think of next? By the way, what's the date today?

CNN Headline: Snake eats family dog as kids watch

True story. Their yippy little Chihuahua dog was devoured by a 16-foot python. And, like any good parent, mom let the kids (5 and 7 years old) out in the yard to watch.



"Now see how the snake is squeezes tighter each time Yippy inhales? That way Yippy can't exhale to take a breath and will slowly die. Stop crying! This is nature!"



As if that weren't bad enough, the family knew the snake had been hanging out in their yard.



"It actively stalked the dog for a number of days," said Stuart Douglas, owner of the Australian Venom Zoo.



"The family that owned the dog had actually seen it in the dog's bed, which was a sign it was out to get it," he added.



Thanks for that tip Mr. Snake Expert.



If I'd seen a python coiled up where my dog slept, I would probably keep my dog (and kids) indoors. Then again, I'm a new parent so I'm probably overly-cautious about such things. Maybe once you have a few kids the idea of them playing in the yard with the dog and the scrub python isn't such a big deal.



CNN story here. Image from here.

$5 bounty on stray cats? Sign me up!

So this city in Iowa is having problems keeping their stray cat population under control. The city council decided to pay alert, proactive, responsible citizens (you know, people who don't have cats) five bucks for each stray cat they bring in.

Unfortunately, it appears that you have to bring the cats into the vet alive so the vet can do what? Kill them. Seems like you could follow Jim's example (see above photo) and save some money - a .22 round is cheaper than a shot at the vet.

Dang it. I thought I could retire early. Rob, our dream will have to wait.

Photo from here. See the original CNN video here.

Woman Faces $1,000 Fine For Pink Poodle

Seriously. Joy Douglas from Boulder, CO decides to dye Cici, her poodle, pink to raise awareness for breast cancer. Unfortunately for her, the city's code states, "No person shall dye or color live fowl, rabbits, or any other animals." It's an odd law to have on the books, but apparently it's to keep people from dying bunnies pink at Easter. Whatever.

I have issues with this woman for a number of reasons.

1. She named a poodle "Cici".

2. She owns a poodle. Nobody takes people with poodles seriously.

3. I'm aware that breast cancer exists. Dying a poodle (or anything else for that matter) pink is not going to make me more aware. I also believe I am not unique in my awareness of breast cancer - most people have heard of it. In fact, I'd say awareness of breast cancer in the U.S. is probably hovering around the 99% mark.

4. I think the money spent on dying her dog could have been put to better use. Like, I don't know, contributing it to cancer research.

5. She got fined for the wrong thing. I don't care if she dyed her dog - wearing those tights has to be breaking some kind of city ordinance.

The article states that this isn't the first dog she's dyed. Apparently "Lulu" had been dyed before, but has since died, making Lulu a dyed dead dog. Did Ms. Douglas dye Lulu black for her funeral? We can only speculate.

Now some choice quotes from Ms. Douglas:

"I have a personal connection to my animal, I would never hurt my animal, I have a business full of little beautiful animals that are treasures for not only myself but the community."

"Cici is being stripped of her civic duty, and I don't plan to take it sitting down."

"The police department claims that we dye our dogs. We do not dye our dogs. We color the dogs."

This was the first time I'd been made aware that animals could have civic duties. Huh. For the original story, as well as some video footage of this staunch activist and her little dog too, click here.

Southwest is at it again: were these girls "too pretty to fly"?

Oh, Southwest. What do you have against young, "attractive" women using your airline?

Recently, two girls (see photo, above) were escorted off a Southwest flight after pounding on a bathroom door ("HURRY UP IN THERE! I HAVE TO CHECK MY MAKEUP!"), yelling at another passenger and being generally obnoxious. After all this, the flight attendant only rebuked them, not the other passenger(s) involved.

Oh, yeah. And when one of them asked for bottled water when she got on the plane she was told she'd have to wait until they served the beverages to everyone else. *Pout*

Southwest says they were being disruptive and even went so far as to have them escorted off the plane by uniformed officers when they reached their destination. The girls say they were discriminated against because they were young, good-looking and (in one of the girl's own words), "Nobody else on the plane, really, looked like us."

The reporter asks, "Did being pretty get them kicked off the plane?"

Let me answer that question for you: HECK NO. Because at least one of the women involved looks less like she does in the first photo, and more like this:

Normally I try not to judge people on physical appearance. But when the whole incident is allegedly based on looks, you gotta take it into account.

You can see the full video at CNN's site.

Meet the real "Delilah"

I really like the song "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White Ts - great writing. Who knew it was inspired by an actual girl named Delilah? Apparently the lead singer met Delilah (Columbia graduate and Olympic hopeful - she has a lot going for her) and was smitten. Despite her having boyfriend, he promised to write the best song of his career - the one that was going to make him famous - and dedicate it to her. Sure enough, it's been nominated for Song of the Year and a Grammy.

Here's the source of his inspiration.

Oh. And she agreed to be his date to the Grammys. Glad to see she's got a little class.

Cat cuts power to 12,000 Idaho homes

Fluffy the Wonder Cat curled up next to a transformer in an electrical substation and ZZZZT! The result? One well-done kitty and 12,000 homes and businesses without power. Riots ensued, PETA sued and some little girl in Idaho is crying today while her dad is silently rejoicing that someone else took care of the job for him.

Cat image courtesy of our friends across the pond. Full story here.

Yeah. We live in the ghetto.

Oh yeah. This is totally my neighborhood. Some dude tries to walk out of the store with some pizzas, is confronted by an employee who he stabs. Genius Pizza Boy then decides to leave his truck in the parking lot and run to his nearby apartment.

A police bloodhound tracked him down. Apparently those dogs can smell pepperoni for miles.

Now, I've had some serious cravings. There was this one time I crossed into another state to find these frozen burritos I used to eat in college. But I've never broken the law to satisfy a craving, and certainly not to the point of injuring someone or something.

Wait. Scratch that.

I did run over a cat once on a late-night run to Baskin Robbins. I yelled at it to move out of the road - or maybe I mumbled something, I can't remember - and it didn't listen and the place was about to close, so, yeah. Thud. But let me tell you, few things taste quite as good as a three scoop sundae of Quarterback Crunch ice cream covered in caramel with whipped cream and a few of those fake cherries on top. Totally worth it.

Baskin Robbins logo from here, original story on KSL here.

Prisoners escape by covering hole in wall with girlie posters; warden says he's been meaning to watch Shawshank Redemption

See CNN article here. It looks as if two men, one in the slammer for manslaughter and the other for robbery and weapons offenses, "...removed cement blocks from two walls, squeezed through the openings, jumped to a rooftop below and then made it over a 25-foot-high fence."

That sounds vaguely familiar. Oh yeah! I remember where I've heard of this happening before! It's in every prison movie that's ever been made!

What's worse is, "The section they escaped from was supposed to be the most secure area of the facility."

Bad form Warden Gentles!

"The men helped cover up the break by placing dummies under their bed blankets, and hiding the wall holes with magazine photos of women in bikinis, authorities said."

Your tax dollars at work.

Fuzzy britches courtesy of here, Warden Gentles pic from here.

Scott Baio, Backstreet Boy get married

Congratulations to the happy couple. I had no idea Scott Baio was gay.


Via CNN's homepage.

Hanukkah Ham

Waaaaaaaait a second...


Original story/photo here.

President Hinckley's face carved into a pumpkin

My friend Hunter and his wife spent five hours carving this for their ward Halloween party.

"We wanted to win the pumpkin carving contest," Hunter said.

Overachievers.


P.S. They don't know if they won. Check back Wednesday and I'll post the results.

UPDATE: Unsurprisingly, and to the disappointment of Primary kids everywhere, Hunter and his wife swept the pumpkin carving contest.


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