Saturday, April 14, 2007

Birthin' classes, part 2 (AKA 7 1/2 Hours of How to Deal With Pain)

OK. I've had a little time to recover. I'm still a little shaken, but I want to get this posted while it's still fresh in my mind. So vividly, graphically, fresh in my mind...

I'll start with some notes I took entitled, 7 1/2 Hours of How to Deal With Pain.

- I just told everyone my wife's favorite craving was a combination of boloney, sauerkraut and bananas. Some people thought it was funny.

- She [the instructor] is now holding up a stuffed animal version of the placenta

- I think "mucus plug" could be the most disgusting term I have ever heard.

- "Breaking of the Waters". The Waters? Is there more than one? Is Moses going to be delivering this baby? Sounds like a lake-side housing development.

- We're looking at step-by-step, bloody pictures of a woman receiving a c-section. I am feeling somewhat grossed out by the imagery. My wife, however, just broke out a granola bar and offered me a bite. Not sure whether to laugh or puke in my mouth.

- The idea of ANYBODY shoving a five inch needle into my wife's spine makes me want to buy a gun and shoot them.

- The whole concept of an epidural makes me sick to my stomach. Despite me sitting in a chair, my knees went weak and I had to fight the urge to walk out of the room.

- Great. Now the instructor is telling a story of a woman who was twisted enough to bring her mucus plug into class in a sandwich bag.

- Most of the information has been beneficial. I have no idea how I'm going to remember it all.

- We have just been informed by our instructor that while 99% of women give birth with a hospital gown on, the chick in the video we're about to watch decided to go without. Then why on earth are you using her for the video??

- Watching the video. My initial thought: thank goodness for computer animation.

- Wait...

- No...

- Yup. That chick looks like a dude from the neck up but is most definitely a chick from the neck down. Goo.

- Ohmygosh.

- *GAG*

- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! C'mon!!! I did NOT need to see that!

- I just watched Powder being born.

- Great. Now another one.

- I caught a glimpse of a woman crowning. I heard the doctor tell her she could reach down and feel the head if she wanted. "Oh wow. I've never felt anything so warm, soft and fuzzy." You sure you're feeling the head, lady?

- MUST they keep repeating "mucus plug"??

- Swell. Detailed photographs of different nipple problems.

- Oooo...mission flashback: numerous women breast feeding.

- Holy cow. THAT'S a placenta??

- I can't believe Tom Cruise ate one of those things.

- I hate hospitals