Sunday, April 29, 2007

Bionic toes

I'm particularly frustrated with my toes. They're ugly and I don't like clipping the nails. What I need is someone to remove my current toes (save the Raptor Toe) and replace them with bionic toes that don't require clipping and are aesthetically pleasing. Or not. I don't really care. If they were ugly and bionic at least I could say, "They're ugly because they're bionic" whereas now I just have to agree when people say my toes are ugly. Which they do.

I Googled "bionic toes" and couldn't find anyone who had had the procedure. It appears as though no one out there is taking the bionic toe replacement idea as seriously as I am.

I know a podiatrist. Maybe I should give him a call. He seemed eager to do surgery on my feet once when I mentioned the Raptor Toe. Fool. No one will ever mess with the Raptor Toe because if they tried, the Raptor Toe would kill them.

Sorry if that's harsh, but it's the way it is.

I have plenty of vacation time stored up to recover from the surgery. Yeah, I'm having a kid in a couple of weeks. But would he rather have a dad who was around during the first few days of his life or one with bionic toes for the REST of his life? I think the answer is obvious.

My bionic toes wouldn't have to do anything particularly impressive. Sure it would be cool if I could have special ops equipment installed in each one: a machine gun, a poison dart shooter, EMP ray, oil slick creator (scratch would shoot the oil forward and slip me up as well as those pursuing me), and perhaps a hologram generator which could project a hyper-realistic hologram of a predetermined person or object. Not sure what I'd use it for but it would probably come in handy. Probably some kind of grappling hook launcher too. And one for a toothpick. And one with a key that opens all the locks in the world (in case I'm captured). And the rest would be for food and water.

If anyone out there in my ENORMOUS readership has ever heard of a successful nine toe bionic transplant, please leave word in the comments.