Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Why I should write about my expectations of the birthing process

I have been looking for something to write about. My uncle in-law suggested I write about what I think the birthing process will be like. You'd think I'd be a pro since, well, I've been born. However, this is not the case.


Do I really want to dwell on something like that? When people tell you about having a baby all they tell you is 1. how long it took and 2. how painful it was. Only does your mother go beyond that to elaborate on how happy she was to finally hold you in her arms, the reward of hours of excruciating pain. (She leaves out the intermediate steps of smacking you and cleaning off all the blood and internals.)

So do I want to write about what I think the process will be? If I make the attempt, I'm certain to come across as naive and ignorant as my experience with having babies is founded almost entirely on TV shows, movies and other stereotypes.


Fine. Here's a rough outline of how I think things will go:

Her water will break. This will be exciting and potentially damaging to whatever she's sitting on/standing over when it happens. At this point it is my job as the nervous/excited new father to run around like a clumsy idiot, scrambling to get everything together to take to the hospital.

In the car on the way there I'll try to do breathing exercises with her, although I'm not convinced they really do anything.

When we get to the hospital she's screaming in pain. I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork before a cranky, bored-looking nurse will help us. Finally, my wife is wheeled into a delivery room.

Her feet are put up in stirrups. This looks uncomfortable. That, and the fact that she's screaming because of things called "contractions". She's also "dilated", or something. This could be good or bad. I'm not sure. My wife is screaming for, "Drugs!"

Eventually she starts pushing. I start looking worried.

At this point, she starts cursing me and every other male on th earth. If I am nearby, she will take a swing at me. I try to be supportive and shove ice chips in her mouth so she won't let out any expletives.

Hours later our son will be born. He'll look pretty gross at first. But then they'll get him cleaned up and bring him in and we'll get to hold him and it will all be worth it. Or at least I'll think so. I'm not the one who had to carry the kid for nine months and then go through ___ hours of pain. But I'm pretty sure my wife will agree nonetheless.