Dear Santa Claus,
Dang I've been good this year. Really, really good. Seriously. I've been so good the Catholics tried to cannonize me or something, but it sounded painful so I was like, "Whatever John Paul, or whatever your name is. I dig the gesture and all but I really don't have a need for any kind of ancient artillery or whatever. But maybe we could dust off a few of those indulgences and toss 'em my way. Not that I need them or anything because I've been good and all but, you know, but nobody's perfect right? But I'm pretty close so maybe I could sell 'em on ebay or something. And if you could sign 'em or something that'd be cool too. You know, really make them seem all official and stuff. Or, if you could get them in the shape of the Virgin Mary that would be even better. Man, anything that even looks like Mary sells for like a kabillion dollars more than it's worth. Did you hear about that grilled cheese sandwich? Man, it took me like a hundred tries to get it right, but it was totally worth it in the end.
Well, Sir Benedict IX was looking like he was sitting on something pointy and one of his cardinals was about to blow his top. (By the way, you totally look a lot better in red than he does. You totally pull it off. Seriously.)
So anyway, I didn't get a cannon. So if you could get me a wreath or somethin', that'd be grand. Also, I don't know if this is your thing or not but my brother in-law really wants a midget, so maybe you could get me one and we could share.
Thanks and all,