Recently I've received a lot of fan mail (not really) from people of all walks of life thanking me for my contributions to the Internet and society as a whole (also not true). I thought I'd share just three examples with you.
I'm a huge fan of your site! Really, it's amazing. You're amazing. I'm a model and I know you're married and everything but I gotta tell you that you're really good looking. Not quite sure what you were thinking with that whole shaved head fiasco, but still, you're so hot you could pull off anything.
The Other Drummer changed my life. I used to be a crack addict until I found your site. My cravings for The Blow completely disappeared once I subscribed to, and regularly read, your RSS feed.
Subsequently I became an upstanding citizen, eventually earning a six-figure salary. But somehow, I still felt unfulfilled. Then I started reading your other site, LivSimpl and it changed me. I felt so pure. So alive. Like swimming in the ocean with dolphins. Naked.
I promptly gave away everything I owned, spent months in solitude mastering myself through Zen techniques and then moved to West Africa. Here, I currently live amongst indigenous tribes distributing vaccines, helping dig wells and teaching agricultural principles to ensure entire cultures don't become extinct.
And it's all because of you.
With a debt of gratitude I'll never be able to repay,
P.S. It just occurred to me that I could have given all my fortune and extravagant worldly possessions to you. Sorry I didn't think of that sooner.
P.P.S. I ran into Bono out here in the bush. He says hi.
And finally, in a slightly different vein, E-MAIL THREE
Dear Mr. The Other Drummer (if that's even your real name, which I really don't think it is),
You wrote about me recently. I sat across from you on the train and I you described me as a woman-ogling psycho who drinks his own blood and doesn't blink. I found your post about me, and this site in general, to be completely offensive and inappropriate.
How do you sleep at night?
As a French-Canadian living in the great state of Alabama I feel the need to point out that you are mean-spirited and completely wrong about everything you write about. Have you ever heard of journalistic standards and research? I think not.
Oh, and I do blink, just not very often.
I hope the Internet police shut you down. And quickly. You probably don't even have the guts to publish this. You are a coward.
- Felix (not my real name)
That last one's my favorite.
Yes folks, its messages like these that get me out of bed in the morning and motivate me to press on. Keep the love comin', and I'll keep changing the world.