So I think I want to become a bouncer. I really think I could pull it off. I have the "x-factor" - that intimidating demeanor that makes people inherently fear me. And while my arms aren't quite as big as that guy's, a few trips to the gym, some "special sauce" and I'd totally take care of that.
Bouncers don't have to take drug tests do they? I don't think they do. Does anybody know for sure?
I'd stand outside popular venues like churches (see above photo). If I didn't like the way someone smelled, or the cut of their jib, I'd pick them up by their trousers and toss them to the gutter.
At non-religious locations I'd only let people in who slipped me $20 bills.
And all I have to do is wear all black, sun glasses and look menacing. I'd probably crack my knuckles a lot and flex my pecks. If someone appeared to be bothersome I might even growl.
To really polish off the the look I'd have to shave my head. Ever since my dream about playing poker with Martha Stewart I've been tossing the idea around anyway, so it wouldn't be that big a deal.
Speaking of, I put a poll about shaving my head in the upper-right corner: vote, and leave your print on my head.
In addition to being physically domineering, I have some ideas that I think could really reinvent the bouncing industry.
For example, instead of just being mean to people who try to sneak in, why don't we (and by "we" I mean bouncers everywhere) hand out small stuffed animals to people who are patiently waiting in line. A little positive reinforcement never hurt anyone.
Also, since we (and by "we", I mean bouncers everywhere) have a captive audience with everyone waiting in line why not sell advertising? Every five minutes I'd read a 10 second blurb about a product or service, kind of like you hear before a traffic report on the radio:
"When you feel like crap tomorrow morning after a night of partying, remember to take Tylenol. Extra Strength Tylenol, on sale now at Walgreens."
It's like printing money my friends. Like printing money.
Well?? What do you think of my idea of switching careers from advertising to bouncer...ing?
Cute stuffed animal pic courtesy of Katie's Kreations. For security reasons I can't tell you where I got the picture of my new colleagues, the bouncers.
